By Laurie Notaro
It’s the main wonderful–and so much dreadful–season of the yr, while bins of tarts assault your thighs, drunken vacation revelers remain gone their welcome, and your grandmother has conniptions on the division shop over the cost of hand lotion. Welcome to Laurie Notaro’s Christmastime.
In ten brand-new tales and 3 formerly released favorites, Notaro stocks the sidesplitting day-by-day mess ups of the vacations, like discovering herself on emergency female product recon in the dark on Christmas Eve; surrendering to the inevitable terrible reward Parade by way of easily inquiring for vacation dish towels and vast white underpants from Sears; scuffling with the morons in line on the 7th Circle of Hell, another way referred to as the selfmade craft shop; and attempting to reside down her popularity because the such a lot Unfun Christmas celebration visitor Ever, as a result of an unlucky false impression related to a pretend overdose and emergency paramedics.
So even if you end up on the uninteresting and shrewdpermanent celebration or the Raucous and silly celebration this vacation season, you’ll continually understand the place to discover Laurie–just stick to the chocolate path over to the cheese platter. She’ll be the only dialing the law enforcement officials.
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Additional resources for An Idiot Girl's Christmas: True Tales from the Top of the Naughty List
I want his approval— and I also want him to feel threatened. But my revelation doesn’t seem to affect him either way. It’s as if I’d just told him that I enjoy wearing corduroy pants. “Yeah, I knew a guy at Harvard who did that,” he says. ” “You could,” says Eric, “except he committed suicide. ” The conversation moves on to the choices of appetizers and entrees. Crab cakes seem particularly popular. “Ah, crabs. The true aristocrats,” I say. ” asks Doug. J. Jacobs “Crabs have blue blood. You know, blue bloods.
Before we start, I silently review what I’ve learned from the Britannica: develop knights before bishops, anticipate enemy threats, try to form an overall goal—like a kingside attack—that coordinates the forces. I consider a postmodern opening move—jumping the knight over my line of pawns—but settle instead for a classical opening, and move my pawn two squares. After a couple of moves, the Jew-fro man takes my pawn. I tell myself this is good. A gambit, a sacrifice. But over the next couple of moves I do a tremendous amount of sacrificing.
Sure,” says Julie’s mom. ” “We’re listening,” says Doug. “Okay, then. William Hare and William Burke,” I say, putting down my menu. “These were two Irishmen who met at a hotel back in the 1820s. One day, an old pauper died in the hotel. ” says Doug. “But wait. It gets better. That first corpse gave them a savvy business idea. They started enticing travelers into the hotel, getting them drunk, smothering them to death, and selling the corpses to the surgeon. Killed at least fifteen people. ” “Hare ratted out Burke and was released.
An Idiot Girl's Christmas: True Tales from the Top of the Naughty List by Laurie Notaro